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This entry was for a contest on a slayers mailing list that Yen was on. :) and that the rules were to work into the fic, the phrases
1) said the tortoise to the snail
2) “Don't ask me, I'm stone, remember?”
3) “Give me back my balls, you damn virgin!”
4) They did it in Blazing Saddles!
5) "Zel, you broke the bed??"
"It's not my fault I weigh half a ton!"
"What were you DOING???"
6) Pika Pika!
This is probably a bad fic and I apologize way in advance. The characters
are definitely OOC, the scenario farfetched and the writing a wee bit
incoherent. But hey, I had fun trying to work the lines in :) Besides
thought it was time to make *some* contribution to the list though I didn't
say that it had to be good <g> Anyhow, hope it at least raises a chuckle :)
Btw, sorry about the rushed ending and the awkward bits, was trying to
finish it fast before I conked out :)
***
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me blah blah blah... :)
It was a bright and sunny day. Birds were singing, flowers were blooming,
clouds were floating and the world was a generally cheerful and happy
place.
It was the sort of day where people took the time to breathe in the fresh
air, to admire the scenary, to idle and pass time and generally enjoy life.
For most of them anyway.
The protagonist glared at its opponent, using the patented Death-Stare it
had obtained copyright for from a certain Heero Yuy. “Looks like it’s come
down to this. You’ll regret your words.”
“Hah!” snorted its contemptuous enemy. “Bite me.”
Stung to the quick by the derisive retort, our hero inhaled deeply,
determined to injure his foe’s pride in a similar fashion, only to be
suddenly blown away by sudden gusts of wind. Or more accurately the blowout
from a chase taking place.
“GOURRY! YOU COME BACK HERE WITH MY FISHBALLS!!” A blonde whirlwind
sprinted
through the flower-strewn meadow, a mouth chewing said foodstuff while his
hands were fully occupied with holding the stick it had originated from as
well as several other sticks of octopus balls, squidballs and meatballs. A
red hurricane whizzed closely behind him, her hands occupied with large
fireballs which were randomly flung at the quarry who ducked and dodged
them
with the ease of long familiarity.
The heroes of our story however weren’t quite as lucky. As a result, it was
a much toasted tortoise and crispy fried snail that emerged from the
charred
ground on which a fireball had been flung.
“What was that?” said the tortoise to the snail as he coughed out small
puffs of smoke.
No response. He turned and sweatdropped at the sight of his proud enemy
trying very hard to feign being a rock. “No hurt. No hurt. Me just rock. Me
just rock. Go away. Me rock, me rock.”
Tapping the shell under which his rival was hiding, he cleared his throat
and tried again. “What do you think that was?”
“Don't ask me, I'm stone, remember?” Sighing, the tortoise looked towards
the brown furrowed path in the meadow, the only sign that something
unnatural had happened in the field. Well, that and the various charred
patches of ground due to the fireballs, the smoky smell of burnt grass and
some burnt hair, the sudden dead silence as every other animal had
prudently
hidden, the… erm… okay, so it was *rather* obvious that something had
happened in the field.
Anyhow, further down the burnt out road, a certain blonde was being
thorough
thumped by a rather irate sorceress.
“Give me back my balls, you damn virgin!” She screamed as she attempted to
pry open his mouth and retrieve the half dozen of fishballs he had managed
to down in the chase. Gourry blushed at the reference but in the canny way
of all animals, realized the trap and refused to open his mouth to protest
his innocence. Or lack of as the case may be. Finally realizing the
futility
of reclaiming the precious food Gourry had managed to digest before she had
caught up with him, she decided to vent her fury by pounding on him a bit
harder than she normally did while she chewed away at the rest of her
snacks.
Okay, a *lot* harder than she normally did. Zelgadiss sighed and pried her
off the battered swordsman. Gourry really should have known better, he
thought resigned as he held the screaming sorceress tight against him. The
last time he had done this, he’d actually had scratches! It was amazing how
fast and how strong humans could become under the right stimulus. Even with
his demon speed on at full throttle, it had actually taken him several
minutes before he had been able to catch up with the two.
Finally, Lina calmed down enough to merely spit and sputter at the groggy
blonde who staggered as he stood.
“Thanks Zel.” A hoarse whine was emitted from the much-abused throat of the
swordman.
Zel just shook his head while he attempted to ignore the violent struggles
of the petite redhead in his arms. “Seriously Gourry, whatever possessed
you
to try to steal Lina’s food?! Haven’t you learnt? And what was with the
lasso trick? Not that the rope actually managed to keep her still after you
lifted those sticks of balls off her. The rope actually melted from her
rage.”
He looked sulkily down at the long-suffering chimera who was now being
gnawed at. “They did it in Blazing Saddles! The bad guy couldn’t move after
they used the special knot. I thought it would work on Lina.”
Zel rolled his eyes.
“Blazing Saddles is a show Gourry. A cute western but a show nonetheless.
And did you really think that a small knot was going to get between Lina
Inverse and her food? Which she bought with the money she stole from
bandits?” He asked, ignoring the cries of a certain redhead who protested
that she had liberated the loot instead.
“Yes.” Lina stopped struggling at that inane remark and both the chimera
and
the sorceress gaped at Gourry for a total of three minutes. Okay five.
“Besides,” the blonde continued, “I thought you’d be able to restrain her
and give me a few more minutes head start. I really like meatballs.”
Gourry looked desolately at the bare sticks that Lina had tossed onto the
ground and sniffed.
“Yeah Zel,” Lina said, finally wriggling her way out of his stony embrace
and ignoring the piteous sniffles of her protector, “What happened? I saw
you talking heatedly with the innkeeper before we left. Did she give you a
clue to your cure?”
Zel rubbed his head. “Not exactly.”
“Well then, what was it?”
“Nothing.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“C’mon, must have been something. I saw you pass her a few coins.” The
small
girl’s eyes suddenly started brimming with tears and Zel was highly
attempted to shout foul.
Advancing on the slowly retreating shamanist, the cute redhead’s eyes
widened to an impossible degree and fairly reflected the sunlight with the
big globes of tears in her eyes, all of them threatening to break loose at
the slightest upset. Zel gulped. This did not look good.
“You’re afraid that I’m going to steal your precious cure from you right?
How could you think that? Am I that selfish a person, that horrid a person
that you have to keep secrets from me? We’re friends aren’t we?” It went on
in a similar vein for several minutes, and then the crowning peak, “You
don’t trust me anymore!”
Zel winced. Definitely not good. “Fine fine. I’ll tell you what happened.”
All tears miraculously vanished and Zel was struck dumb at the sight of
Lina’s normal genki face. “Okay, what happened?”
Highly tempted to reengage on his word, he mumbled, “I… broke the bed.”
“You what?”
Zel growled out, slightly louder. “I broke the bed.”
“Sorry Zel, can’t hear you.” The sorceress held out one cupped hand around
her ear and motioned. “Try again.”
“I BROKE THE BED!”
"Zel, you broke the bed??"
"It's not my fault I weigh half a ton!"
"What were you DOING???"
"Um..." He blushed, his cheeks flushed a becoming rose. “Nothing.”
<Insert replay of scene before>
Several minutes later, we flash back to the scene of a hysterical sorceress
rolling on the floor laughing while a beet red chimera stood with his back
to her.
Guffawing out loudly, Lina struggled between her bouts of laughter. “You
were make-believing a pillow fight with your stuffed toys?”
“What’s wrong with that?” humphed Zel, even as he winced at the gales of
laughter that pealed at his reply. “It just got a tad out of hand. Could
happen to anyone.”
Lina stood up and gasped at the rigid back of her friend. “Zel, I don’t
think many people have such… active fantasy lives.”
Reddening even further, to the fascination of several passing woodlands
animals, Zel growled. “I had a rotten childhood okay? What’s wrong with me
making up for it now? I hear that it’s not healthy to suppress your
childhood instincts. Make believe is a very healthy way of sparking
creativity and can help with problem solving skills. The use of stuffed
toys
in such role playing helps the child strengthen social skills and may even
stunt their growth mentally and …”
Lina shook her head and wiped her tears from her eyes, her friend’s
discomposure finally getting through her hysterical fit. “Okay okay, don’t
go into a tizzy. I get your point. Sheesh… but really…” Grinning, she held
up a small yellow stuffed toy and a pair of knitting needles she had
managed
to filch from one of his pockets in the voluminous cape. The small toy
looked perfectly ordinary save for one small feature. It had a small
handmade scarf around its neck and was wearing a cute yellow and white
sweater. “Isn’t knitting clotheswear for your toys a wee bit much?”
Zelgadiss gasped. “Pika Pika! Give him back to me!”
Lina grinned. “I don’t think so.”
And so another chase resumed down the much-abused meadows for that day
while
the small woodlands animals quivered in their burrows. With any luck, this
time, this time they’d still have homes at the end of the day.
“RA TILT!”
Or maybe not.